The 5-minute practice before your next conversation that changes everything
You're about to walk into an important conversation.
Maybe it's a one-on-one with someone on your team. A coaching session. A tough discussion with a peer. A check-in with your kid.
And you're already in your head.
You're thinking about what you want to say. The point you need to make. The problem you need to solve. The agenda you need to cover.
I get it. I've lived there for most of my career.
But here's what I've been learning over the past year, through my coaching certification work, over 100 hours of practice, and two decades of getting this wrong before I started getting it right:
The most powerful thing you can do before any meaningful conversation isn't prepare your talking points.
It's to prepare your heart.
What "Get Out of Your Head" Actually Means
This isn't some abstract, touchy-feely concept. It's practical. And it's real.
When you're in your head, you're focused on you. Your agenda. Your answers. Your need to be seen as the expert, the leader, the one who has it figured out.
When you're in your heart, you're focused on them. What they need. What they're carrying. What they're trying to figure out.
People can feel the difference. And I mean that literally. The frequency you bring into a room — whether it's curiosity or judgment, presence or distraction, care or performance — the other person picks up on it immediately.
So, the question becomes: How do you actually make that shift?
A Simple Practice You Can Use This Week
Before your next important conversation...and I mean right before, like two minutes before ...ask yourself three questions:
How do I want to show up in this interaction?
This is about intention. Maybe you want to show up calm. Maybe you want to bring challenge and provocation. Maybe you just want to be present. There's no wrong answer. But naming it matters.
What do I want them to feel?
Not what do I want them to know. Not what do I want them to do. What do I want them to FEEL? Heard. Challenged. Safe. Valued. Provoked. Start there and everything else follows.
What am I willing to let go of?
This is the hard one. Usually, it's your agenda. Your need to be right. Your desire to jump in with the answer. Your habit of filling silence with words.
That's it. Three questions. Two minutes. No journaling required, although if you're a yellow legal pad person like me, go for it : )
Why This Works
I've been studying a process called active inquiry through my coaching certification training, and one of the biggest things it's taught me is this: the real growth happens when someone figures out their own path.
Not when you tell them the answer. Not when you prescribe the solution. When they discover it.
And discovery requires space.
It requires you to lead with curiosity instead of conclusions. To ask "what's coming up for you?" and then actually wait for the answer. To trust that silence isn't awkward...it's where the real thinking happens.
But you can't create that space if you walk in loaded with your own stuff. You've got to clear the deck first. Get out of your head. Into your heart.
The Hardest Part (For Me, Anyway)
I'll be honest, this is not my default. I grew up in athletics where every coach was go go go. I carried that energy into 25 years of corporate leadership. I can talk with the best of 'em and I have a natural tendency to bring the energy up in a room.
Learning to let a conversation sit.
To stay quiet. To resist the urge to solve. That's been one of the hardest things I've done in my professional life.
But when I get it right? The trust that builds is unreal. People go places in conversation they wouldn't go otherwise. They find clarity I never could have handed them.
Try This Before Your Next Conversation
Here's what I'm asking you to do this week. Pick one conversation that matters. Just one.
Before you walk in, take two minutes. Ask yourself the three questions:
How do I want to show up?
What do I want them to feel?
What am I willing to let go of?
Then lead with curiosity instead of conclusions.
Ask what success looks like for them. Go deeper when they share something. And when there's a pause...let it sit.
You might be surprised what happens when you stop trying to be the smartest person in the room and start being the most present.
That's the shift. Head to heart. Answers to inquiry. Performance to presence.
It changes everything.
Still learning this myself. But I'm learning it with intention.
Starting small is okay
(Source: Janis Ozolins)
Thanks for reading…have a great weekend!
Jon